Life As Usual
by Chazymandias
Summary: Sherlock and John texting. Not related to any specific episodes, just how life is between cases. No real plot at all just some fun :D
1. Chapter 1 Boredom

John? – SH

_Yes Sherlock? – John Watson_

I'm bored. – SH

_And what do you suppose I should do about it? – John Watson_

Tell me where you left your gun. – SH

_You really don't know where it is? - John Watson_

Can't be bothered to look – SH

_Lazy sod. What are you planning on shooting? - John Watson_

Mrs Hudson – SH

_Ha! You wouldn't. - John Watson_

Don't be dim John, of course I wouldn't, she just brought me tea. – SH

_It's in the toaster. Please don't make too much mess. - John Watson_

Where are you? You're always out. – SH

_I told you, I'm going for a walk. You must have been thinking too deeply and missed me telling you. - John Watson_

Where are you walking to? – SH

_Nowhere in particular. - John Watson_

Then why bother? – SH

_Pure frivolous whimsy - John Watson_

Long words. Congratulations. – SH

_I thought you'd appreciate it - John Watson_

Fabricating intelligence John? Why would I appreciate that? – SH

_I've no idea, Sherly. Why would my limited intelligence lead me to believe that? - John Watson_

Don't call me Sherly. – SH

_Give me a valid reason why I shouldn't? - John Watson_

Because it's not my name. – SH

_That's because it's a nickname, an endearment - John Watson_

But I don't have a nickname for you. – SH

_Doesn't matter, it's not necessary - John Watson_


	2. Chapter 2 Lestrade Called

_Got the gun out of the toaster? – John Watson_

Didn't bother. Lestrade called. – SH

_Did he say anything interesting? - John Watson_

No. Something about a triple homicide. The one I was discussing last week? The police are getting behind – SH

_They are also getting increasingly careless - John Watson_

They are, it's very tedious. – SH

_Stopped being bored then? - John Watson_

No. Trying to sleep. – SH

_I'll be back soon. I'll try not to wake you - John Watson_


	3. Chapter 3  Niquitin Advert

Have you seen the Niquitin patches advert? If you got me them, supposedly every time I say no to a cigarette, a miniature band starts to play on the table in front of me – SH

_Oh god… A brass band? - John Watson_

No, a jazz band – SH

_I'm not buying you any because their tiny shoes would scuff our table - John Watson_

It has knife grooves in it and you're worried about some shoe scuffing? I can add more grooves if that would be preferable? – SH

_Scuffed tables it is! - John Watson_

Don't be foolish John. It's just an advert. We don't really get a miniature band! – SH

_If I was foolish you would not be able to live with me. I would bore you. - John Watson_

You are quite correct John. It is a good thing that you are not ordinary. - SH


	4. Chapter 4  On The Tube

Where are you? - John Watson

On the tube – SH

Where are you going? Did Lestrade call? - John Watson

No, I'm observing. – SH

Observing what? - John Watson

The people. Obviously. – SH

Right. Of course. - John Watson

Where are you going anyway? - John Watson

In circles – SH

Dizzy yet? - John Watson

Don't be absurd. – SH

Obviously not. - John Watson

Do you want me to get you Nicorette Quickmist? - John Watson

No. It doesn't curb the cravings – SH

Alright, patches again then? - John Watson

Thank you – SH

What do you want for dinner? And will the microwave be up for cooking or is it still unavailable? - John Watson

The microwave is clear, however the kettle and oven are in use, and you may want to clean the oven before you use it. Rewire it too… - SH

What are you doing with the kettle? Is lasagne alright?

Lasagne is fine. I'm testing the effects of heat on blood, mucus and other liquids. Sorry, forgot you'd want tea – SH

"Other liquids"? Sounds ominous, I won't ask - John Watson

I just didn't want to list them all. Pointless – SH

I just jumped over a massive puddle. What else do I need: patches, dinner stuff…? - John Watson

Are you still on the tube? - John Watson

Yes, do you want me home? – SH

I just wanted to know when to start making dinner. How long do you think you'll be? - John Watson

Well tell me when you want me back by and I'll be there – SH

Half an hour-ish? - John Watson

Alright, one more trip round the circle line then – SH

Enjoy! Any bowls, plates, knives etc that I should be aware of before I start? - John Watson

The blue china ones – SH

Oh, and the bread knife – SH

That only leaves one plate! - John Watson

I'll have mine off a tray, or a bowl – SH

Okay, what conclusions have you reached from your trip? - John Watson

Londoners are completely oblivious to everything and most people using the tube are under average intelligence. Also, most have no morals. One man had just kicked a one-legged homeless person and was bragging about it. Morons. – SH

Did you manage to not insult anyone? - John Watson

I didn't say anything the entire time – SH

I just got goosebumps, someone walked over my grave - John Watson

You're so superstitious – SH

More like paranoia from being round you all the time, never know when danger will strike - John Watson

The logical conclusion would be to not be around me – SH

A little paranoia will not force me from you, sorry to disappoint - John Watson

That is not disappointing. Have you finished the lasagne yet? – SH

Glad to know. Yes, it's nearly done. - John Watson

Good. Lots of cheese? And white sauce? – SH

Yes, like last time. You liked it that way? - John Watson

Yes. It was pleasant - SH


	5. Chapter 5  Experiment

Can you get more milk while you're out please? – John Watson

No. Get it yourself – SH

But you're already out aren't you? - John Watson

Yes, but I'm not near the shop – SH

What about on your way back? - John Watson

I'm not coming back tonight – SH

Why didn't you tell me that earlier? Where are you then? - John Watson

You were out. I'm at the warehouse – SH

Right. And you're there because…? - John Watson

I'm on a stakeout – SH

Sounds interesting? Should I stay away from the microwave? Whatever is in there seems to be expanding quite rapidly - John Watson

If it hasn't exploded yet, it won't – SH

Okay... Is it supposed to go red? - John Watson

Write that down on the sheet next to it, along with the time – SH

Very well. Is it going to change often? I admit an interest has come over me towards this experiment of yours - John Watson

It might do. That's what I'm examining. As the enzymes denaturise, does the colour change? – SH

Um.. Yes, it's gone darker - John Watson

Would you like me to keep writing down changes for you? - John Watson

That would be acceptable – SH

I can see why these kinds of experiments interest you, even if I can't fully understand their complexity - John Watson

Don't be simple John - SH


	6. Chapter 6  The Kettle

When will you be back, because whatever's in the kettle seems to be producing a gas… - John Watson

Sherlock! Is the gas safe? - John Watson

Probably – SH

Going to leave me to be harmed by your noxious gases? - John Watson

It's unlikely to cause you any serious or permanent harm – SH

Well. That's just fine and dandy then : "Hi, I'm back! Sorry about the bronchitis; at least it's not lung cancer!" - John Watson

Sorry – SH


	7. Chapter 7  Mother's Day

Just had a lasagne in an italian. Yours was far better - SH

Thankyou, not enough cheese + sauce? - John Watson

They didn't layer the pasta with the sauce, they put it all on the top, and they didn't cheese the top either. It was too floury and not crispy enough. - SH

How disappointing for you. - John Watson

I was very nearly ill - SH

I suppose that's why you keep me around then, the good lasange. - John Watson

Where are you today? - John Watson

Yes. That's the only use I have for you. Is to cook for me. I'm in Warwick - SH

Don't forget medical assistance. Warwick? That's quite a distance away from London.. What interests you there? - John Watson

Unfortunately I have to do the typical mother's day ceremonies. - SH

I'm not laughing at you right now. Will Mycroft be joining you? - John Watson

Unfortunately, yes - SH

I shall have to give you a reward when you get back, assuming you keep your temper, what would you like? - John Watson

No idea. Suprise me - SH

I doubt many people can surprise you, Sherlock. Are you sure there isn't something you want or need? - John Watson

I have decided on what to give you, should you behave. How are you faring so far? - John Watson

Not too badly. We traded slight insults before tea and now Mycroft is snoring, father is reading and mother is washing up. - SH

So, you've been a good boy? - John Watson

I suppose... - SH

Do you think you deserve a reward then? I suppose I could ask Mycroft for his opinion - John Watson

Don't ask Mycroft anything. He's drunk. Again. - SH

Drunk siblings are such a handful. - John Watson

**Thank you to everyone who's reviewed and favourited and the like!**


	8. Chapter 8  The Gun

Mycroft wishes to meet with me, what have you done? - John Watson

Nothing - SH

Are you sure? I'm leaving now. - John Watson

Tell him it wasn't my fault - SH

Okay. Do you want to go out to eat tonight? - John Watson

By the way, the BB gun I got you is on your chair. I thought it might be a suitable reward, don't abuse it Holmes. - John Watson

You might not want to come home any time soon... -SH

Also, what did Mycroft say? - SH

What, why? - John Watson

What has Mycroft said? - SH

He told me not to tell you, but I digress, he was 'concerned about his sibling's health and the success of defeating his addictions' - John Watson

Now tell me what's wrong with the flat? - John Watson

The roof might possibly have fallen down in your bedroom? - SH

Where do you suppose I'm to sleep? How did the roof collapse anyway? - John Watson

The sofa. The bb gun might have had a hand in it... - SH

Someone as smart as you should be more aware of the consequences of his actions! I trusted you with that gun and you went and tore the roof off! Why were you in my room anyway! And I can't sleep on the sofa; my shoulder and leg will hurt too much. - John Watson

I didn't tear the roof off I shot it off. I was in your room as I didn't want my ceiling to fall down. Well you can get yourself an air mattress. - SH.

You are unbelievable! Completely preposterous! Did you not consider how I might feel about you shooting the roof off? - John Watson

3 long words in 2 sentences. I'm impressed I must say. Well the roof wasn't meant to fall in. - SH

You really are an unyeilding annoyance, aren't you. You didn't answer my question about dinner? - John Watson

Yes, I think dinner out, while someone tidies up - SH

Have you informed Mrs Hudson of the state of the building? Where + when would you like to go, I can meet you there? - John Watson

No. Let's go to Angelo's - SH

Do you expect me to inform her? Fine, now? - John Watson

Yes. No, in about an hour? - SH

Better than her finding out and giving herself a heart attack, I suppose. Very well, I'll pre-book a table for us, want a specific one? - John Watson

By the window - SH

Okay. What are you doing? And who is cleaning while we are out? - John Watson

I'll ring someone now. See you later John - SH

**Anyone who reads this is gorgeous and deserves a beautiful life.**


	9. Chapter 9 Drugs

My shoulder is terribly painful. - John Watson

You're the doctor. Prescribe yourself some morphine or something - SH

Which raises a question: why have you never asked me for a perscription for drugs and such? - John Watson

Because I've never needed one. I know where you keep them - SH

You really are fascinating. And brilliant. And it would be very pointless for me to move them wouldn't it? Although, as a friend, I am concerned of which ones you've taken? - John Watson

Only the ones I've needed - Sh

Your definition of what you need and my definition may be different. - John Watson


	10. Chapter 10 Bored Again

John? - SH

Yes? - John Watson

Bored - SH

I am not giving you back the BB gun. - John Watson

Please John? - SH

No. - John Watson

Did you not like sleeping in my bed last night? - SH

The sofa was uncomfortable you were right - SH

I don't want you to have to keep sleeping on the sofa, so no more BB gun for now. - John Watson

I dislike you - SH

You dislike what I'm doing, not me. - John Watson

I dislike the fact the gun is not in the flat. - SH

Not to worry, your medicine box is. - SH

I need the ones labeled in red, please don't touch those. - John Watson

You did leave the red ones alone, didn't you? - John Watson

Yes. I do have some sense of self preservation left - SH


	11. Chapter 11  Out Of Milk

We're out of milk. Again. How do we get through it so quickly? - SH

Don't despair; I have a cow. - John Watson

And where do you plan on keeping that? - SH

It is currently in your room. Would you like to name it? - John Watson

What is it doing in my room? And we're not naming it because you're going to get rid of it immediately - SH

But it can provide milk for us! - John Watson

I only drink skimmed milk - SH

Just separate it off. - John Watson

John, we are not keeping the cow! Get it out of my bedroom before it breaks any of my experiments - SH

I can't get it down the steps - John Watson

John! - SH

**This was a bit of a joke between me and my co-writer kay (john) because we were talking about different ways john and sherlock could not always need milk and this was our favourite solution. Please don't take it too seriously! (Reviewers get virtual hugs and virtual pails of milk with cream :P)**

**Also, new fanfic, if anyone's interested. I'm not. It's highly tedious... ;)  
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	12. Chapter 12  Less Simple Than Anderson

Cow's gone. - John Watson

Good. Now go and buy some milk. - SH

We need more jam anyway. Do you need any weird things? - John Watson

Get me some bicarbonate of soda - SH

Okay. What do you want to do for dinner? - John Watson

Don't know if I'll be home for dinner. I'll just pick something up on my way home - SH

Very well. Where are you? - John Watson

Stuck in a meeting with Lestrade. Anderson's also here, being just as stupid as ever - SH

He's not stupid, smarter than me at least. Shouldn't you be listening rather than texting me, not that I'm complaining. - John Watson

You are smarter than him. Notice he's a policeman and you're a doctor. - SH

Smarter for cases I meant. It's his job to think that way to help you. - John Watson

And yet you're more help than he is. - SH

Yet I am still simple? - John Watson

Less simple than he is. To me, everyone is simple - SH

Less simple than Anderson, from you that's a compliment. Thanks. - John Watson

**This is a relevant chapter for things to come. Note it. Reviews get cookies. Real ones this time!**


	13. Chapter 13  Yes Master

Have you got my bicarbonate yet? - SH

Yes. - John Watson

Good. Put it in the cupboard. Next to the citric acid and food colouring - SH

Yes master - John Watson

Thank you john - SH

You do realize that if you overlook 'master' and Donovan found out she would never stop harping on at you about me being your pet. - John Watson

Well don't let her find out then - SH

I think your ego is big enough without throwing 'master' into the mix anyway. - John Watson


	14. Chapter 14  Twice the Pompous Arse

Are you by any chance still near Anderson? – John Watson

Yes, and I'm surprised I haven't throttled him yet – SH

He just texted me saying that without me there you are being "twice the pompous arse" you usually are? - John Watson

Why does Anderson have your number? – SH

And what did you reply to that? – SH

He has it so he can text me Sherlock. I just said that I doubt that's true. Why do you ask? - John Watson


	15. Chapter 15  Never Anything But Bored

John? – SH

Doctor John H Watson, at your service - John Watson

Stand down Doctor Watson – SH

Yes, Sherlock? What is it that you need? - John Watson

I'm bored – SH

Not doing any experiments? - John Watson

No – SH

Go get something from Molly to play with? - John Watson

Try not to make me regret telling you that to do that Holmes - John Watson

She's not working today – SH

Poor you - John Watson

Don't be sarcastic John – SH

Don't be condescending Sherlock – John Watson

If you're not going to be of any help, go away – SH

You texted me first! - John Watson

Irrelevant – SH

Right - John Watson


	16. Chapter 16  Texting Anderson

John? – SH

Sherlock, you are less that three metres away from me, you do realise this? - John Watson

Well you were using your phone so I thought I'd just text you – SH

Okay then, did you need something? - John Watson

I'm curious, are you texting Anderson again? – SH

Yes, I am - John Watson

What are you talking to that idiot about? – SH

He's not an idiot and that's hardly any of your business anyway! - John Watson

He is an idiot! You cannot dispute that fact. You can either tell me or I'll hack your phone and read them myself – SH

Fine, hack away. Might stop your unyielding ennui. - John Watson

John Watson. Tell me what you are talking to Anderson about. – SH

Why are you so bothered about it? I can see your nose wrinkling from here! - John Watson

I am not wrinkling my nose! Why don't you go make us some tea? – SH

Despite your beliefs Holmes I am not your personal tea service. I am your blogger and friend - John Watson

Your eyebrows are furrowed too - John Watson

That's because you're being obstinate. If I ask politely will you make tea? – SH

You can be polite? - John Watson

I am capable of it yes, however it is tiring – SH

Preserve your strength, I'll make some now. Anderson was just asking for some medical info for a suicide case - John Watson

A suicide? How dull. Why bother talking to him? I could give you things far more interesting to examine. – SH

Such as…? - John Watson

Well Molly owes me a few favours – SH

Sounds thrilling, but I'm alright thank you. Now put your phone down and drink this tea. - John Watson


	17. Chapter 17 A Rendezvous With Food

Anderson is being tedious. Save me? - John Watson

That's what happens when you give him your mobile number - SH

I'm with him, why did I agree to that! - John Watson

Because you're almost as much of an idiot as him! - SH

You're not helping Sherlock - John Watson

Well why did you text me to begin with? - SH

I don't know, moment of insanity: just like the day I moved in. Have you ever seen him eat? It's horrific and facinating at the same time. - John Watson

I don't spend more time with Anderson than absolutely necessary, and I certainly don't do dinner dates - SH

It isn't a "dinner date" - John Watson

What would you call it then? - SH

A rendezvous with food. - John Watson

If that's what you want to convince yourself it is. We both know that it's a date. - SH

By Jove you're wrong about something! We must alert NASA. - John Watson

Why would NASA want to know that you're on a date with Anderson? - SH

Because I am out of this world. And look in a dictionary. - John Watson

Not a date. - John Watson

Stop being strange or I'll tell Lestrade that you're dating Anderson - SH

Why would Lestrade want to know? Between you and I, you are the most strange. Your just sulky because I'm with Anderson and not you. - John Watson

Why would I be sulking because you're not with me? And Lestrade would be highly amused by it. - SH

So, you admit that you are stranger than me? - John Watson

Of course not. - SH

You are delusional. - John Watson


	18. Chapter 18  A Client

There's a man here with a case. Murder - John Watson

Murder? Not the client's I suppose? Because that would be interesting! - SH

Uhh, no. It's about the man's father. - John Watson

Pity. So why does he assume murder? - SH

There was a pair of hedge trimmers lodged in his back. - John Watson

Did his father ever work with the circus in anyway? - SH

Yes, he performed with fire, juggling, eating etc. - John Watson

Was he an acrobat at any point? - SH

Nope, scared of heights apparently. - John Watson

It was the client's wife. She wanted the inheritance. Dull. - SH


	19. Chapter 19 Bad Dreams

John? Are you alright now? - SH

Yes, fine. - John Watson

Do you want to tell me about it? It might help? - SH

Are you trying to be comforting? If so, I'm almost obliged to answer your effort in turn. It's a good thing you like to text. - John Watson

I just want to help somehow. I don't enjoy seeing you distressed. - SH

It's just hard to explain, hard to talk about it. - John Watson

Do you want to try? - SH

As you've probably deduced, I'm still having dreams of the war some nights. - John Watson

Is it anything in specific? - SH

War isn't specific. Blood, pain, death and sound is all war knows. It's a blur, but no less intense than the actual battle. - John Watson

I mean do you dream about any particular incidents? Or people? - SH

Sometimes I dream of when I was shot, but I always wake up just before I am. - John Watson

I'm sorry John - SH


	20. Chapter 20 The Pirate Ultimatum

Can I get a monkey? - John Watson

Sherlock, I got 'Fish'. - John Watson

Is it a japanese fighting fish? - SH

Uhm.. - John Watson

If not, I don't want it - SH

It's not not not a Japanese fighting fish! :-) - John Watson

Don't be obtuse Watson - SH

Can I get a micro pig? - John Watson

What would it take for you to let me have my dog Holmes? - John Watson

You cannot have a dog! - SH

State your terms man! What would it take? - John Watson

You can't have one. - SH

Why not? - John Watson

They're irritating, noisy, messy and demand affection. Also, they require exercise and could be used against us - SH

I'd take care of all that! - John Watson

It would disturb my experiments - SH

Keep them out of reach, maybe then we will also have more space to cook and eat without risk of disease. - John Watson

The space they take up is not always under my control - SH

Just move them to a greater altitude, you have the limbs for it. - John Watson

Mrs. Hudson wouldn't allow it - SH

She's amenable. - John Watson

Mycroft would dispose of it - SH

Mycroft and I have an agreement. - John Watson

Why would Mycroft agree to something like that? Even he's not that stupid! - SH

It is not specifically concerning animals, but I could manipulate it into being so. - John Watson

What is it concerning then? - SH

Deduce it Sherly, for Mikey bound me to secrecy. - John Watson

Firstly - don't call me Sherly. Secondly - don't call him Mikey. Thirdly - since when has that ever stopped you telling me things before? - SH

Firstly- shut up. Secondly- Quite oddly, he doesn't mind it. Thirdly- does it really matter? - John Watson

Mycroft allows you to call him Mikey? Yes, it does matter, so tell me - SH

I know! And since I understand his reasoning for not telling you. - John Watson

Tell me what this 'agreement is' Watson. Or definitely no dog, ever. - SH

Ask your dear brother about the 'Pirate Ultimatum'. - John Watson

Mycroft's "in a meeting" and so "he can't be disturbed right now". You'll have to tell me - SH

Or you'll have to wait. - John Watson

John Hamish Watson. Tell me what this agreement is now or you can sleep on the doormat tonight because I won't let you in the flat - SH

You're brows are furrowed, I can tell from here. You'd prefer me to search out the likes of Anderson for sleeping arrangements? - John Watson

You want to sleep with Anderson? - SH

I'd rather sleep with you - John Watson

Well that's a bit forward my dear Watson, but if it stops you wanting a dog then we might be able to come to some arrangement - SH

No! No! I didn't mean.. ! Oh heck. - John Watson

What kind of arrangement? - John Watson

If you didn't mean that then no kind of arrangement is necessary really is it? - SH

I suppose not - John Watson

**Hope you enjoyed this :) It links to the fic Kay wrote "The Pirate Ultimatum" so if you want the backstory on this chapter go read it :)**

**And yeah, review if you want? We love you just for reading it!**


	21. Chapter 21  Not A Pigeon

John - SH

I didn't do it! - John Watson

Didn't do what? - SH

Oh, you don't know. Okay, never mind! What did you want? - John Watson

John Watson. What are you trying to conceal from me? - SH

Oh, nothing of importance, just me being simple again. What did you need? - John Watson

Do you want to try Niquitin minis? You get a small band with those too - John Watson

Ah, my personal addiction therapist. No thank you John, I'm perfectly content with the brand I use at the moment. - SH

No need to be sarcastic - John Watson

I decided, seeing as you were so often, I'd give it a try - SH

Right. Well good luck with that - John Watson

Was that the only thing you wanted John? - SH

Why, are you busy? It can wait 'til later. - John Watson

I was about to start dissecting some hands but if you needed something then I can do it this evening. - SH

No, you carry on. I think I'll go for a walk, the weather's nice at the moment. - John Watson

A walk where? - SH

Nowhere specifically - John Watson

Boring. - SH

Then why did you ask if you knew it'd be boring? - John Watson

You might have been going somewhere interesting - SH

Where shall I go then seeing as I have no plans? - John Watson

Go and do some observation. Or check if Lestrade has any new cases. Only interesting ones, mind. - SH

You'd tell me off because my observations would be a waste of time. I'm going to the Yard. - John Watson

Tell Lestrade that Mycroft's been ringing and tell Anderson he needs to move out of his mother's house already. Only cases above a 6 please John - SH

I'm not your homing pigeon, Sherlock. - John Watson

Yet you do know where my house is. - SH

That's because it's my home too! - John Watson

So only the fact that you are not a pigeon, stops that from being true - SH

Not a pigeon, explains so much - John Watson

**A bit of randomness from the pair, apologies for the long upload wait :)**

**Thanks to everyone who's reviewed and favourited and alerted, you're the best! :D**


	22. Chapter 22  Molly's Cousin

**Sorry that it's taken so long for an update, thanks for bearing with us!**

Out of interest, isn't anyone else sarcastic with you? - John Watson

No-one else's sarcasm is as frequent as yours. Or as interesting. Anderson tries but he just sounds like an idiot. Presumably because he is one. - SH

Anderson's just a complete joke to you isn't he? He is rather flabbergasting - John Watson

It astounds me how stupid one man can be. - SH

You haven't met Molly's cousin then? - John Watson

No, and I probably don't want to. Why, have you? - SH

I suppose that's a good thing. He is so brilliant and stupid at the same time. Hilarious, but that doesn't take away the fact you'd love to punch him for his idiocy - John Watson

Ah, I see. Why have you met Molly's cousin? - SH

She introduced us when he stayed over last. - John Watson

Why were you at Molly's house? - SH

I think I was dropping off something, I can't remember really why I was there, just what happened when I actually got there. - John Watson

Oh right. - SH


	23. Chapter 23  The Glass Door

Anderson told me to piss off and I said "we were just being helpful; the flooding in the bathroom will get worse." - John Watson

That's my blogger! - SH

He then, in what I can only assume was supposed to be a dramatic exit, promptly walked into a glass door, making Lestrade choke on his coffee. I'm drenched in caffine now. - John Watson

That amuses me. I must try and make that happen again. However you ought to tell Lestrade to keep his coffee to himself next time. - SH

Lestrade's still giggling. I think he's stuck on repeat. Most of it got on my jumper, I'll just wash it later. - John Watson

If Lestrade continues for much longer you may have to knock him out. He gets like that sometimes. - SH

Don't worry I fixed him. - John Watson

Well that's a relief, however would London have survived without him? - SH

No idea, he had two murders for us. One died from carbon monoxide poisoning from fire in 'suspicious circumstances', the other Lestrade wants me to look at for you. - J

Sounds thrilling - SH

You're getting better at sarcasm. - John Watson

**Thank you to everyone who's reviewed and favourited and put us on alert. You're brilliant and Kay and I still have a little happy cry whenever we get a new email about it!**


	24. Chapter 24  You Weren't Meant To Get It

**Quite honestly, don't ask.**

**Sherlock and John sent each other texts they weren't meant to see...**

Roses are red, violets are blue.

I want to kiss Sherlock, but you're okay too. - John Watson

Roses can be red but also white, pink and yellow. Violets are violet. I want to kiss Watson, but I can't read him well enough to know if he'd appreciate it so I'll kiss you instead - SH

That didn't rhyme, Sherlock. - JW

I was stating it in a scientific manner. It didn't need to rhyme, it made sense. Anyway, I couldn't have used "mellow" sensibly... - SH


	25. Chapter 25  Handcuffs

**We want to thank everyone who's kicked up a fuss and are actually wanting to read our little works, you guys are amazing!**

**Enjoy this chapter :D**

SHERLOCK! Uncuff me. - John Watson

Uncuff you? What did you get yourself into this time Watson? - SH

Don't play coy, just come home and uncuff me. - John Watson

Play coy? Why would I be doing that? Also, how are you texting if you're cuffed? What _were_ you doing? - SH

I can text with one hand, it's hardly difficult. Are you telling me you are completely ignorant of my situation? Until I told you, of course. - John Watson

What use would it do for me to handcuff you John? Please be logical. You made me sign that contract not to experiment on you after the flea incident... I wouldn't risk a legal battle - SH

Right. Of course. Come home, please? It's really uncomfortble. - John Watson

I'm in the middle of something John. I can't exactly go "sorry, need to pop home, my flatmate's managed to handcuff himself to..." What have you handcuffed yourself to? - SH

Your chair. - John Watson

YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR?! - SH

No, handcuffed over it. I'm upside-down. I think I'm going to pass out in a second. - John Watson

Upside-down? Have you tried calling for Mrs. Hudson? - SH

I have to admit John, I'm finding your predicament very amusing - SH

Of course I bloody have! She didn't answer. Bloody hell, Sherlock, I need you, please. - John Watson

John, being unconscious for a while won't hurt you. This is really quite important. I'm sorry. Why don't you use your phone to ask someone else for help? Lestrade or Anderson? - SH

On second thoughts, not Anderson. I don't want him in our flat. - SH

I'm getting Anderson just to spite you. - John Watson

Wouldn't work. He doesn't have a a key. Lestrade does. - SH

Yes. Doesn't have a key. - John Watson

Repetition John? - SH

No. Just reassuring you that Anderson _definately_ doesn't have a key. - John Watson

John Watson. Tell me you haven't given Anderson a key to our flat? - SH

I haven't given Anderson the key to our flat. - John Watson

Now be honest. - SH

I haven't given Anderson the key to our flat. - John Watson

I'm going to text Lestrade and make both him and Anderson stay at scotland yard until you tell me what you're trying to hide - SH

I promise you I haven't given Anderson a key. Anderson does not own a key. - John Watson

Can't you come? I don't trust anyone else seeing me like this. - John Watson

Has Anderson acquired a key in any other way? Oh? Like what John? - SH

Weak. Vunerable. In an humiliating position - John Watson

Your own fault John. If you think you can survive for another half hour I can come and free you - SH

I really hate you sometimes - John Watson


	26. Chapter 26  John? You're Drunk?

**We have a surprise guest in this chapter, let us know what you think? :)**

Sherrrrrrrlock! Greg left me at the pub :-( and none of the taxi people will take me hoooooome :-( - John Watson

I'll come and get you on the tube - SH

Nooooooo, bad Sherlockkky! Funny man said I can walk hoome ! - John Watson

John, I don't think it wise for you to walk home - SH

But funny man said so, the one who took Greg! - John Watson

No john. Tell me where you are and I'll come and find you. - SH

I don't know, there's a pigeon! - John Watson

Funny man, YOU KNOW HIM! He's you! But not youu! - John Watson

Just a pigeon? Wait, you mean Mycroft? - SH

Yeah that one! - John Watson

MYCROFT! PUT LESTRADE DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME! I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING MY TEXTS! - SH

I assure you, brother dear, Gregory is firmly on the ground. - M

I didn't wish to know that. Why did you abandon John when he's in this state? - SH

I assumed you would take care of him, Sherlock. He's a big boy, he can handle himself. - M

You told him to walk home. He's completely drunk. I'm not even at the flat. How was I meant to take care of him? Just because you wanted a little fun with Gregory. I'm warning you now, if anything happens to John I'm holding you responsible. - SH

I'm surprise you remembered Gregory's name, Sherlock. And, what happened to caring not being an advantage, brother? - M

I remembered because you seem so fond of him for some obscure reason. I will personally see to it that you never see Lestrade again if anything happens to John. See how you feel, this is JOHN we're talking about! - SH

Petty threats won't help John now. Would you like me to send a car to drop him at Baker Street? - M

Yes. That would be acceptable. Now go away. - SH

Goodnight, Sherlock, do take care of Doctor Watson, there aren't many like him. - M

Be quiet Mycroft. Try not to terrify poor Gregory too much. - SH


	27. Chapter 27  Pacing

I didn't know you could dance. - John Watson

It wasn't exactly dancing - SH

Then what would you call it? - John Watson

It was pacing to music. - SH

Right, sure. Either way, it was nice to watch. - John Watson

If you enjoyed it so much, you should join in next time - SH

That would be less like pacing to music and more like dancing then, Sherlock. - John Watson

I wasn't suggesting we did it together, more that we would just happen to be doing it at the same time - SH

I see. It would be harder to watch you if we were pressed up against eachother after all. - John Watson

That was DEFINITELY not what I was suggesting - SH

I was just teasing, Sherlock. And I thought intimacy didn't alarm you... It's not like pacing would be intimate anyway. - John Watson

Intimacy does not alarm me. - SH

You seemed a bit alarmed a minute ago. - John Watson

I was just making it quite clear to you the meaning of my statement. - SH

Even resorted to capitals. - John Watson

You need all the help you can get - SH

You're doing a very good job of making me not want to join you in your pacing at all. - John Watson

I never said I wanted you to in the first place, I said if you found it enjoyable to watch you might find it more enjoyable to partake in - SH

And I was just joking when I said about doing it together. - John Watson

An why'd you insult me? That wasn't just an observation like you usually do, that was actually a little spiteful? - John Watson

If it bothers you so much to even think of intimacy, I wont bring it up again. - John Watson

You know, you aren't really helping your 'not alarmed by intimacy' argument. - John Watson

I hope you haven't put your phone in the food processor. I have plans for it when I get home. - John Watson

I'm trying to concentrate. Stop texting me - SH


	28. Chapter 28 - Locked Door

**Sorry you've had to wait so long for the next chapter, so here's 4 for you all at once! We are planning to get more chapters done and quickly but oh my days I did not realise how tiring sixth form was going to be! ANyway, enough of my nattering, may I present you with: your chapter...**

John? Why is your bedroom door locked? - SH

Why are you trying to get in my room? - John Watson

What are you doing in there John? You've never locked it before. - SH

Isn't that a hint enough that I don't want you to come in? Bounderies remember, Sherlock, bounderies are our friend. - John Watson

But you have my scarf! I need my scarf! - SH

It's not that cold. And don't you have another one somewhere? Use that one. - John Watson

I only have one scarf and I need it now. - SH

Just give me a minute and you'll get it, alright? - John Watson

But why is your door locked? And what's that crash I just heard? - SH

You must be so bored that you give a damn about what I'm doing behind a locked door. When was your last case? - John Watson

Distraction techniques do not work on me John Watson - SH

Do you want me to throw your scarf out the window? - John Watson

No. - SH

Then be patient, I'm almost finished. - John Watson


	29. Chapter 29 - Return of the Scarf

Happy now? - John Watson

What were you doing though? - SH

Sentimental things that you don't need to worry about. - John Watson

I'm intrigued. Tell me John. - SH

Birthday, alright? Something for your birthday and I know it's three months away, I was trying to surprise you, so nose out. - John Watson

Oh. - SH

Yeah. What did you need your scarf for anyway? - John Watson

I needed to go to see Lestrade, but I'll go now instead. I'll be back in an hour - SH

Got your collar turned up? - John Watson

Yes... Why? - SH

No reason. - John Watson

Lestrade sends his regards - SH

You can call him Greg, you know. Remember to eat if he has a case for you. - John Watson

I'm not hungry. - SH

Oh dear. Anderson's arrived. - SH

Yes, well, don't go too long without eating. - John Watson

Would you, make lasagne? I probably wouldn't eat it but if it would make you happy I might try some. - SH

Fine. Thank you for indulging me. - John Watson

I don't know why you're so obsessed with me eating though - SH

I'm a doctor. - John Watson

Don't hurt Anderson, too. - John Watson

Yes, but you're not my doctor - SH

I am, I'm the doctor most likely to treat you when you come home with out an arm. - John Watson

How did you get Anderson to walk into the door? - SH

It wasn't really by design, it just happened when he tried to storm out. - John Watson

Damnit - SH

Try and get him to do something else. - John Watson

Lestrade's being boring - SH

I can't tell him to be more entertaining. - John Watson

Yes you can, he listens to you. - SH

I can't make him be something he's not. It's not his fault there aren't any interesting cases. - John Watson

**Chapter title was a Star Wars reference, sorry, I couldn't resist! :)**


	30. Chapter 30 - Anderson

Did you get Anderson to walk into a glass door? - John Watson

No. He's not even talking to me - SH

When has they ever stopped you? - John Watson

If he's not talking he's not being stupid. I'm enjoying it. - SH

You've managed to get him to stop thinking too then? - John Watson

No. I can still hear that, and his face is still distracting me. However, he's not announcing it. - SH

Good for you. - John Watson

Thank you, I think - SH

It means you won't come home moody. - John Watson

I'm never moody - SH


	31. Chapter 31 - Companion

Watson. What ARE you doing? - SH

Something offended your delicate sensibilities? - John Watson

You have a companion. I've never seen this person before. - SH

Your point? - John Watson

They're in my flat - SH

Our flat. The flat. - John Watson

I've never met them before though. - SH

People come into the flat that I've never met before weekly! - John Watson

Who is this person? - SH

One of the blokes who I toured with the first time around in Afghanistan. Ran into him yesterday so I invited him here. - John Watson

Name? - SH

Bill Murray. - John Watson

Don't tell me you're researching him. - John Watson


	32. Chapter 32 - Experiment

**Sorry for the swear in this chapter, there's only one and it was irresistible.**

You want me to what? - John Watson

Get me some morphine and hydrochloric acids - SH

No, I'm not going out it's tipping it down. - John Watson

Why are you not at work? - SH

I told you they didn't need me today, remember? - John Watson

No, I don't. - SH

Well I did and I am. - John Watson

So you can't get me what I need? - SH

That is correct. - John Watson

Useless - SH

Hey! I got all that liver for you the other day! - John Watson

I had to go all the way across London for that. And there was loads of it. - John Watson

I need it though. I can't continue with my experiment otherwise! - SH

Is it for a case? A matter of life and death? - John Watson

Not exactly, but I'm on the verge of a massive breakthrough - SH

Right. Fine. Where are you? -John Watson

The morgue - SH

Can't you just get whoever's there to go and get some? - John Watson

There's no-one but Anderson, and I don't trust him - SH

What's he doing there, babysitting? - John Watson

He thinks I'm going to break something. Stupid man. - SH

You realise that this is the oppertune moment to manipulate him into walking into a door or window? - John Watson

I may try waving a kidney at him - SH

Rant on about how lungs float or something like that, I'm sure he'll feel patronised and bored enough by then to run into something. - John Watson

I think you just insulted me - SH

No shit, Sherlock. - John Watson

Well if you're going to be rude then I'll see if I can continue with my experiment somehow. - SH

And because, unlike you, I am considerate, I will get your stuff so you actually can continue your experiment. - John Watson

Thank you John - SH

I deserve an I.O.U. My day off and I have to go get chemicals for your experiment. - John Watson


	33. Chapter 33 - Christmas Dinner

I can hear you in the kitchen. Don't tell me you're attempting Christmas dinner. - John Watson

Is it cranberry or mint you're meant to have with turkey? - SH

This is for experiment isn't it? - John Watson

Cranberry, you mad man. - John Watson

And do you prefer parsnips or sweet potatoes? - SH

I don't mind. - John Watson

Sherlock, why are you cooking? - John Watson

Both then. It's Christmas, don't people normally cook a big dinner on Christmas day? - SH

I guess I'm just surprised that you want to cook it. Merry Christmas, Sherlock. - John Watson

Well, will you eat it? - SH

If you've not poisoned it, then yes. I'll come down in a minute and help. - John Watson

Good, the gravy packet makes no sense, you'll need to do that - SH

Instructions like to disagree with you, don't they. First Cluedo now gravy. - John Watson


	34. Chapter 34 - Happy New Year!

I believe the custom is to wish you a happy new year? - SH

Yes, that would be tradition. Happy New Year, Sherlock. - John Watson

Have you gone out? I bought champagne. - SH

Just with Greg in the pub, but it's getting noisy now so we'll probably go home soon. And thanks; I know how much you dislike 'trivial time wasting tradition' - John Watson

I thought I'd make an effort. I only have to do it once a year. - SH

No, you don't make effort just for the sake of it. You have a reason for everything. But that's fine. Knowing you it's going to be pretty good champagne. - John Watson

You could, bring Greg, if he really has nothing better to do. - SH

Good idea, he'd probably end up being depressed about his divorce all morning otherwise. - John Watson

All of my ideas are good. - Sh

Yes, because smoking was such a shining idea. - John Watson

It helps me think, anything that does that is a good idea. - SH

And is harmful to your health. I feel sorry for the sod who has to take care of you after you retire. - John Watson

I don't plan on retiring, ever. - SH

Not even to some quaint cottage in Sussex with an abundance of bees to care for? - John Watson

Tempting as that sounds, quaint is not what I look for. - SH

It might be what you need with the state of your lungs. - John Watson

There's nothing wrong with my lungs - SH

Whatever helps you occasionally sleep at night, Sherlock. - John Watson

When are you planning on leaving? - SH

Already left. In the taxi now. - John Watson

So I'll see you soon then? - SH

See you soon. Happy New Year. - John Watson

Happy new year John Watson - SH


	35. Chapter 35 - Sherlock's Birthday

So, what did you want to do today? - John Watson

What I normally do, every Sunday... - SH

You don't want to do anything to celebrate your birthday? - John Watson

What's to celebrate? It happens every year. - SH

Try thinking of it as celebrating the days you've lived rather than your birth. Don't you want a day when you're allowed to be the show off that you are? - John Watson

I don't show off, unlike Mycroft. Talking of whom, I just received a text, apparently you have just invited him over for lunch. - SH

Maybe. - John Watson

He said he'd bring an interesting case for you. - John Watson

No, he wants to come over so he can see what I've done to his beloved cameras. So what is for lunch then, if I'm going to endure Mycroft it had better be superb. - SH

I thought that maybe you would want to decide. What do you want to do for lunch? - John Watson

You could make Lasagne. Mycroft's not too fond of it, therefore I am. - SH

Very well. Do try to not start an argument with your brother. - John Watson

I don't start them. He does. - SH

Then don't retaliate. - John Watson

It's near impossible not to, I just have to correct him - SH

So much for the body just being transport and the brain superior. You can't even hold your own tongue. - John Watson


	36. Chapter 36 - A Clone?

One might assume you were trying to clone something with all the samples you have in this kitchen. Where've they all come from? - John Watson

Various places - SH

So, no clone? - John Watson

Not as yet - SH

Right. I'm not raising it if you do make a clone. - John Watson

Mycroft would probably confiscate it if I did - SH

I'd imagine that he would take it away before it got any where near being an actual clone. - John Watson

That's why I wouldn't do it in the flat - SH

Of course. Well, whatever it is you're doing, keep it away from the bloody food. - John Watson

What food? - SH

Don't tell me you've deleted the knowledge of the existence of food in our flat? - John Watson

I thought you kept it somewhere out of the kitchen? - SH

We only have one fridge, Sherlock. It's in the kitchen. We keep food in the fridge. See where I'm going with this? - John Watson

You told me you'd moved it after I put the worms in there. That's why I've been keeping the eyeballs in the bottom drawer of the fridge. - SH

That was only for the duration that you had those worms! I moved it back after you hadn't used it in weeks! - John Watson

Ah. I did wonder why there were some pickled eggs mixed with the eyeballs. - SH


	37. Chapter 37 - Mental Health

You're absolutely crazy. - John Watson

Actually I am in prime mental health - SH

Then it must be me who is crazy. - John Watson

I haven't given you a recent mental health diagnosis but if you require one I can oblige - SH

You're qualified for that? - John Watson

Not on paper, however have the relevant knowledge - SH

Nevertheless, I'm not that eager on having you inside my head anymore than you are already. - John Watson

Fine - SH


	38. Chapter 38 - Laziness

John? – SH

Yeah? – John Watson

I'm hungry. – SH

There's food in the kitchen. – John Watson

I'm not in the kitchen though – SH

And neither am I – John Watson

You are closer – SH

I'm not hungry – John Watson

But I am – SH

So you can get your food, can't you? – John Watson

I'm busy though – SH

You haven't moved from the sofa in hours, you could do with a bit of leg work – John Watson

I'm thinking. – SH

About food apparently – John Watson

Can you not think and get food? – John Watson

Lack of food is stopping me thinking. If I move I'll lose my train of thought – SH

Lazy sod. What do you want? – John Watson

Toast – SH

Toast it is. I'm not going to feed you, mind – John Watson

I can manage that part - SH


	39. Chapter 39 - No Cases

Has Lestrade called? - SH

You asked that earlier. He's still on holiday. - John Watson

Did he leave us any cases? - SH

Nope. You could ask Dimmock? - John Watson

I'm not going in there unless I know for certain that there are cases. Anderson

might be lurking - SH

Isn't there anything on the websites? - John Watson

Nothing challenging enough to be worthy of my attention - SH

Just do them to keep you busy then. - John Watson

I've solved them all. As I said, not challenging. - SH

Still paid them attention though, didn't you. - John Watson

Yes, but now I'm bored - SH

Well, I'm not going to entertain you. - John Watson

It's okay, your laptop password isn't exactly a state secret - SH

Lovely. - John Watson

So it's fine for me to use your laptop? - SH

No, but you will anyway. - John Watson


	40. Chapter 40 - Impatience

Watson. Get your coat we're going out - SH

Out? - JW

On a case - SH

Of course. I meant where? - JW

On a boat, so bring my scarf on your way out - SH

Right. Are you going to give me details now or later? - JW

Meet me at Westminster Pier in 10 minutes, I'll explain then - SH

Is this something for Greg or a client? - JW

Lestrade - SH

Okay, I'm coming. Got your scarf. - JW

_[10 minutes]_

Are you walking because you ought to be here by now - SH

I'm coming, be patient. - JW

There's a boat waiting here and we need to go now - SH

I can see you. Stop being daft and be patient. - JW

Run. - SH


	41. Chapter 41 - The Drain

John, why is the drain blocked? – SH

Did you do something to it? – John Watson

Of course not. If I had I would know why it was blocked and would therefore not need to ask you. – SH

Why don't you go and sleuth it out? – John Watson

I don't want to get unknown filth on my hands – SH

But potentially poisonous mould is fine to store _where we eat?_ – John Watson

It was safely contained, Watson. No risk of contamination. Don't overreact – SH

Stop underreacting then – John Watson

That's not a thing, John. You can't underreact to something. – SH

Yes, you can. You do frequently. – John Watson

When did I ever do that? I react in exactly appropriate amounts. – SH

You really don't – John Watson

You know what? Wear gloves. – John Watson

If only there was such a simple solution, however we do not have any suitable gloves – SH

Buy some. – John Watson

Not enough time. – SH

Really? – John Watson


End file.
